Wiped
Where to start?
Christmas was ok. Unlike most with toddlers/preschoolers who look forward to the Big Day more than their kids, I was pretty much "meh" about the whole thing. We decorated and put up the tree...nothing. It finally snowed and got kind of cold...nothing. I fought to make it through the week leading up to our big pre-Christmas dinner on the 23rd. On top of planning for that, I had to get packed and organized for our week at the cottage. Add a non-napping, potty resisting almost three-year-old and a stubborn, teething toddler to the mix and you've got yourself instant hell in a blender.
I got past the dinner and entertaining, which is fun for me, so not much of a stretch there. We frantically finished packing and left for the cottage at noon on Christmas eve. I took deep breaths the whole way there thinking that now I could relax and get in the spirit. We went to a party that night...nothing. I wrapped gifts after the kids were in bed...nothing. We got up and opened presents after a fitful night's sleep on my part...nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Then I lost it. I broke down over our boxing day dinner of steak and potatoes. Jon asked what's been up with me lately. Apparently I don't look at him or others in the eye anymore and don't show affection to him or the kids. My answer to him was "nothing". Because that's how I feel. I can't even explain it. I feel like nothing. I'm numb. I must be handling the oragel a little too much and it somehow seeped into my pores. My appetite is crap, I'm barely sleeping, I have zero energy. Maybe working out and eating better (read, more than one meal a day) will help? Is it just a being underweight/energy thing?
I have no idea why I'm in this funk. Before today, I couldn't blame the stress of not having a place for the kids to go next week when I go back to work. I say before today because I found out this morning that the woman who was taking the boys for almost four weeks starting on Monday wants some down time before she goes back to school on February 1. She's taking them for two weeks only. That means we have to find something to do with them for another three weeks. I just can't fucking win.
So now my stomach is in knots again. I was just going to cancel the two weeks she said she'd take them for and extend my leave at least another three weeks if not four. Then Jon could take a week or two before the sitter is ready to take them back in mid February. Jon doesn't want me to do that in case it jeopardizes my "chances" for "advancement" at work. Which are non-existent at this point since the branch is shutting down. I'm so torn. Again. Add to all that my new manager. The one who approved the leave I'm on now got another job and we have a new interim manager. I'll have to go to her if I want an extension, and I've heard she isn't the most accommodating/flexible when it comes to work and leave arrangements.
I'm hoping that when I (eventually) go back to work and get my routine back I'll feel better. I like routine. A lot.
But for now I'm numb.
Christmas was ok. Unlike most with toddlers/preschoolers who look forward to the Big Day more than their kids, I was pretty much "meh" about the whole thing. We decorated and put up the tree...nothing. It finally snowed and got kind of cold...nothing. I fought to make it through the week leading up to our big pre-Christmas dinner on the 23rd. On top of planning for that, I had to get packed and organized for our week at the cottage. Add a non-napping, potty resisting almost three-year-old and a stubborn, teething toddler to the mix and you've got yourself instant hell in a blender.
I got past the dinner and entertaining, which is fun for me, so not much of a stretch there. We frantically finished packing and left for the cottage at noon on Christmas eve. I took deep breaths the whole way there thinking that now I could relax and get in the spirit. We went to a party that night...nothing. I wrapped gifts after the kids were in bed...nothing. We got up and opened presents after a fitful night's sleep on my part...nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Then I lost it. I broke down over our boxing day dinner of steak and potatoes. Jon asked what's been up with me lately. Apparently I don't look at him or others in the eye anymore and don't show affection to him or the kids. My answer to him was "nothing". Because that's how I feel. I can't even explain it. I feel like nothing. I'm numb. I must be handling the oragel a little too much and it somehow seeped into my pores. My appetite is crap, I'm barely sleeping, I have zero energy. Maybe working out and eating better (read, more than one meal a day) will help? Is it just a being underweight/energy thing?
I have no idea why I'm in this funk. Before today, I couldn't blame the stress of not having a place for the kids to go next week when I go back to work. I say before today because I found out this morning that the woman who was taking the boys for almost four weeks starting on Monday wants some down time before she goes back to school on February 1. She's taking them for two weeks only. That means we have to find something to do with them for another three weeks. I just can't fucking win.
So now my stomach is in knots again. I was just going to cancel the two weeks she said she'd take them for and extend my leave at least another three weeks if not four. Then Jon could take a week or two before the sitter is ready to take them back in mid February. Jon doesn't want me to do that in case it jeopardizes my "chances" for "advancement" at work. Which are non-existent at this point since the branch is shutting down. I'm so torn. Again. Add to all that my new manager. The one who approved the leave I'm on now got another job and we have a new interim manager. I'll have to go to her if I want an extension, and I've heard she isn't the most accommodating/flexible when it comes to work and leave arrangements.
I'm hoping that when I (eventually) go back to work and get my routine back I'll feel better. I like routine. A lot.
But for now I'm numb.
posted by Tanya at 13:37
4 Comments:
(((Tanya)))
That's not good, hon.
You know where I am if you want to talk/email.
Hi, Sorry to hear that you're not feeling so great right now. I've been feeling a sense of boredom/disinterest/"numbness" myself lately. I wonder if it's the season (both winter and Xmas) and the pressure you've had to balance work/kids/babysitter issues lately? Maybe things will settle back down a bit in Feb once the kids are back into their routines. In the meantime, try to take some time for yourself (I know how hard that can be since I rarely find time to do it myself) and since the weather's so mild, maybe take the kids to the park and get some fresh air. Once you're back at work, we can go out for lunch and you can b!tch about your new manager. :-) (I'm curious as to who it is now) Take care
(((Tanya)))
I am sorry you are feeling numb :( Can you talk to your Dr. (or anyone for that matter) make sure it's nothing more.
(((Tanya)))
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