Shortly after Iain was born, I had an IUD, um...installed. Put in? Placed? Anyway. Like most forms of birth control, there are side-effects. I don't know if I can attribute the fatigue etc., to it, but Jon is convinced that it is evil and should be removed and destroyed, and that it should be banned for use by ANYONE. *
People keep asking me when we'll try for a girl, to which I say "No, thankyouverymuch". I've always wanted boys...I got my boys. So I should be happy, right? I have my happy (usually) little family, two boys who are close in age, have very different personalities and will be great buddies when they're older.
So why did I start crying when Jon suggested I have the IUD removed and he'll look into something more...permanent?
That's right...I cried like a baby. I'm even tearing up now and the discussion happened over a month ago. Even though I'm happy with what I have, I've never really pushed the idea of having another baby someday completely out of my head. And its not that I'm a patient baby mama! I hated night-time wakings with a passion, for one. I spent Cael's first months (Iain slept through the night at 6 or 7 weeks, so I was lucky there) as a zombie. Cael's constant eating got on my nerves (I was used to it with Iain so I was much calmer), and he refused naps unless he was being held. But the good and cute things linger. Isn't that always the way? The first smiles, the jerky newborn movements, the sweetness of falling asleep whhile nursing, the new-found mobility of a creeper/crawler, the grins of pride when they stand and take their first steps...so many things that I will never experience again.
My reasons for (potentially) wanting another baby (someday) are largely selfish. A co-worker's wife just had a baby and they were lucky enough to have a homebirth. After Iain's quick arrival, the idea of a homebirth is very appealing. No nurses/doctors telling to pushpushpush HARDER, no-one insisting on putting the damn heartbeat monitor on my belly between contractions instead of just letting me go into my zone, no-one waking us up on cue every four hours for a feeding etc. I would love to experience it all at home. Not to mention that the idea of selling off all of my little wee cloth diapers makes me sad. And I'll never breastfeed again, which makes me sadder.
So all of the reasons are about ME. Nothing in there about being able to manage a third child, having to move out of our little three bedroom bungalow on a quiet street across from a park or shell out even more money for daycare. It really makes more sense to just stop with what we have and be done with it...in two years Cael will be in school and the money spent on daycare will be (mostly) back in my pocket, except for the various school expenses of course. Why would I commit myself to paying for another four years of daycare? Silly, really...
A small part of me just says to sit back, enjoy what I have and wait for grandchildren. And hope that I have daughters-in-law who don't mind me being active in their kids' lives, as most women tend to go to their own moms for advice/guidance with their babies, not their mother-in-law.
I guess I should have that girl, huh?? So I can be sure that I'll have a wedding to help plan and I'll have someone calling me in a panic because my lovely grandchild won't stop crying and hasn't pooped in three days? Hmmm...tempting, but no.
* Not exactly, but pretty close.