October 15, 2007

Permanent

I've always said that two children would be perfect for me. There were two kids in my family, and two in Jon's. Both of us are the firstborn in our families and there were largish gaps between next children. When I found out I was pregnant when Cael was eleven months old, I was quite overwhelmed at the idea of having two kids so close together. I had hoped to get Cael through the twos at least and enjoy him for a while (maybe even until he was in school!) before introducing a sibling. But Jon was ectatic, so the idea of having two under two grew on me...quite literally. Har de har... When we found out halfway through the pregnancy it was another boy, I was beyond thrilled...brothers so close in age. How wonderful! It also hit home that my childbearing would quite possibly be done by the time I was 30 (if Iain came early...which he didn’t). Which was always my "goal" when I was "young"...to be done having kids when I was "young" so I would have the energy to enjoy them.

Shortly after Iain was born, I had an IUD, um...installed. Put in? Placed? Anyway. Like most forms of birth control, there are side-effects. I don't know if I can attribute the fatigue etc., to it, but Jon is convinced that it is evil and should be removed and destroyed, and that it should be banned for use by ANYONE. *

People keep asking me when we'll try for a girl, to which I say "No, thankyouverymuch". I've always wanted boys...I got my boys. So I should be happy, right? I have my happy (usually) little family, two boys who are close in age, have very different personalities and will be great buddies when they're older.

So why did I start crying when Jon suggested I have the IUD removed and he'll look into something more...permanent?

That's right...I cried like a baby. I'm even tearing up now and the discussion happened over a month ago. Even though I'm happy with what I have, I've never really pushed the idea of having another baby someday completely out of my head. And its not that I'm a patient baby mama! I hated night-time wakings with a passion, for one. I spent Cael's first months (Iain slept through the night at 6 or 7 weeks, so I was lucky there) as a zombie. Cael's constant eating got on my nerves (I was used to it with Iain so I was much calmer), and he refused naps unless he was being held. But the good and cute things linger. Isn't that always the way? The first smiles, the jerky newborn movements, the sweetness of falling asleep whhile nursing, the new-found mobility of a creeper/crawler, the grins of pride when they stand and take their first steps...so many things that I will never experience again.

My reasons for (potentially) wanting another baby (someday) are largely selfish. A co-worker's wife just had a baby and they were lucky enough to have a homebirth. After Iain's quick arrival, the idea of a homebirth is very appealing. No nurses/doctors telling to pushpushpush HARDER, no-one insisting on putting the damn heartbeat monitor on my belly between contractions instead of just letting me go into my zone, no-one waking us up on cue every four hours for a feeding etc. I would love to experience it all at home. Not to mention that the idea of selling off all of my little wee cloth diapers makes me sad. And I'll never breastfeed again, which makes me sadder.

So all of the reasons are about ME. Nothing in there about being able to manage a third child, having to move out of our little three bedroom bungalow on a quiet street across from a park or shell out even more money for daycare. It really makes more sense to just stop with what we have and be done with it...in two years Cael will be in school and the money spent on daycare will be (mostly) back in my pocket, except for the various school expenses of course. Why would I commit myself to paying for another four years of daycare? Silly, really...

A small part of me just says to sit back, enjoy what I have and wait for grandchildren. And hope that I have daughters-in-law who don't mind me being active in their kids' lives, as most women tend to go to their own moms for advice/guidance with their babies, not their mother-in-law.

I guess I should have that girl, huh?? So I can be sure that I'll have a wedding to help plan and I'll have someone calling me in a panic because my lovely grandchild won't stop crying and hasn't pooped in three days? Hmmm...tempting, but no.


* Not exactly, but pretty close.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Dawn said...

I feel some of your sadness about "never again" but don't have a 3rd baby so you can have a girl (b/c really it could be another boy) have 1 b/c you want a baby :)

Besides look how far you've come, no night waking and diapers are sorta/almost at the end. Soon you will have 2 in school so daycare costs will be gone (or lowered greatly)


But the biggest thing is... if you're having doubts about permenant BC then you're not done expanding your family *hugs*

16/10/07 11:39  
Blogger ccw said...

I completely relate. It certainly is one thing to be preventing another pregnancy but not being able to have another one is an entirely different ball of wax.

I am getting an IUD next week since we are pretty certain that we will not have another because of the financial strain it would create and my crazy. I am happy with 3 but every time I see a woman with a big, swollen belly part of me aches.

16/10/07 12:06  
Blogger PeanutButtersMum said...

Sounds to me like you're not ready to make a "final" decision. I know you have issues with your af (as do I)... I have to tell you, I'm LOVING the yamsine b/c pill...

16/10/07 14:40  
Blogger Tanya said...

dawn, trust me, i wouldn't purposely try for a girl... ;)

ccw, careful with the IUD. mine has been hell. :( but i understand its different for each person, so i hope you have better luck than i'm having. all i can say is YUCK.

PBM, tks for the tip!!

18/10/07 11:03  
Anonymous Amy said...

Aww, this is such a difficult thing for so many women! I'm just gonna come right out and suggest that you get rid of the IUD but hold off on the permanent b/c measures for now until you are both ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN you do not want any more babies. Sure, it makes good financial sense to stay at two, but it sounds like your heart is still longing for more. Dawn is right. And if I had to do things differently, I would. Trust me, permament when you're not 100% sure you're done having babies sucks. Living with the "I wish I hadn't have..." sucks harder.

23/10/07 14:20  

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