November 10, 2005

My weird dream

I had a really bizarre dream last nite...its been on my mind since I got up. My life history first...I have a "friend" in Nova Scotia who I've known since I was 10. She's always been a little different, but I liked that about her. Until the teen years. She just never grew up beyong sixth grade. She'd get mad if I made other friends, kept bringing up the "I can't believe how long we've known each other!" thing, I think partially to guilt me for having other friends. I couldn't help it...I like people and had friends of all types. But I stayed friends with her and tried to understand and accept the way she was.

Things went a little more downhill in grade 10 (Amy?? Was it grade 10 or 11?) when a girl showed up in my homeroom and typing class (we were both bitter 'cuz we got stuck on the manual machines while everyone else got electrics) who was a true Kindred Spirit. Awww...ain't that sweet? Old Friend got very upset but didn't say anything directly...just stewed about it. We still hung out some in grades 10 and 11...went to the odd weekend party etc. Something happened ( I can't even remember what now) during the summer between grades 11 and 12 and she started hanging out with a total cow. Huge manipulative bitch. OF met a guy who she is still dating 12 years later. She saw what a manipulative bitch MB was and "dumped" her...came back to my group of friends, still a little bitter about KS.

We graduated, I went to Belgium and she stayed home trying to decide what to do with her life. We wrote a few letters the year I was away and met up some again when I came home. I decided to work for a year before going off to school myself. So the year I was home I mostly hung out with OF and the friends I made working at Wendy's (yeehaw!), which she didn't like much either. I was finally of legal age so we'd go to one of the two decent bars on the weekends. But OF had moved to the city for school and only came home the occasional weekend.

KS got married shortly after I got back and wasn't living close anymore, so I didn't see her much. Then I went off to school....I saw OF when I was home for holidays. Lost touch with KS, partly 'cuz her marriage went horribly bad and she was laying low during/after the split.

I met Jon at school...the very first week of school to be exact. So that took a lot of my time. ;) Still kept in touch with OF...tho this was before email and neither of us had the money to call much. So it was by letter, which I've always been horrible at. She had moved in with her boyfriend and was working a bit of a dead-end job. I graduated from college and moved to Ottawa with Jon...he wanted to get his degree to go with his college diploma and I had no clue what I wanted to do. We got engaged...OF was happy for us but very jealous. After that every time I talked to her she complained that her boyfriend didn't want to make a commitment and that she was gonna dump him. She had gained about 150 pounds and blamed it on being on the pill. She developed knee problems and refused to believe that it was the extra weight that was causing the knee stress. And I heard about it every time I talked ot her. Things went that way the next two years 'til Jon and I got married. OF was my maid of honour, but in my heart I missed KS terribly and would have preferred to have her as my MOH. But anyway.

OF stayed in the same job. I was working for the government (not in my field, but I've gotten over that disappointment) and we bought a house. Just before we moved, OF and I were talking on the phone and she said casually that her boyfriend had proposed to her and SHE TURNED HIM DOWN. After all the bitching about commitment. She said he started talking about wanting kids. I told her that was wonderful and that he seemed to really want to make an effort. But apparently she never wants kids and she thought he was in agreement about that. That's fine...not everyone wants a family. It just seems to me that he has matured beyond high school and she hasn't. But anyway... At around the same time I managed to track down KS (thru her younger sister on ICQ), who had re-married and had a wonderful little girl to go with her sweet blonde boy from her previous shitty marriage. It was like we never had lost touch...I was thrilled. OF, not so much.

(Wow...its snowing out. Huh...)

So we moved into our house. Did the renovations thing for a couple of years and then I got pregnant with Cael. I shared it with her and the response was icy. It was like she was mad that I was becoming an adult and starting a family. We still talked...I told her abt my pgcy issues and she talked about her dream to have a house in the country and 10 dogs. When Cael was 10 weeks old, I flew back home to visit. We met up and the spark just wasn't there. I didn't know what to talk to her was brutal. I think the fact that she said she didn't want to even look at Cael, much less hold him. I mean, really.

After that, we really drifted apart. I went back home again when Cael was 9 months old and visited KS even thought she was a ferry ride away. Ended up going home yet again the week Cael turned one for my grandfather's funeral. OF called me at my parents' place to give her condolences, which was nice. But again, I didn't know what to say to her besides small talk. I was even newly pregnant with Iain when she called...I didn't bother telling her. She just seemed so immature to me. I haven't talked to her since. I sent her a quick email in the spring to say that I was pregnant again and never heard back. dream. I was rushing around in some city or another. I have no idea where...all I know is that there was a subway. I was late for my train so I was rushing thru the station. OF was standing by a pillar...I saw her but kept going since I was late. She caught me and asked if there was something I had to tell her. I said, oh yeah, I'm pregnant again. She got all pissy and said I'd been lying to her for years and it wasn't fair. She was very calm about it tho...ALMOST adultlike. But even in my dream I felt like I was in the 8th grade. All of a sudden we were in a mall and it was decorated for Christmas. She kept saying that I owed her an explanation, but she didn't say for what exactly.

It wasn't a terribly earth-shattering dream, but it was very vivid and I've been thinking about it all day. Is it a sign that I should try to get in touch again? I did hear recently from my mom that OF had bought a house out of the city. But mom wasn't sure if she had bought it with her boyfriend and didn't want to ask...she found it out when she ran into OF's mom (who is a total sweetheart btw...she was a second mom to me).

So there ya go. If anyone actually made it thru that mess, any feedback to the possible meaning is welcome. Am I feeling sub-conscious guilt for our friendship essentially ending, even tho it wasn't really anyone's fault? *sigh*


Blogger Running2Ks said...

In one word, Yes. I think you feel guilt over the friendship ending, but sometimes they do.

And you know it isn't anyone's fault. People change and move. Long term friendships are hard when you have grown into adulthood and different places.

Maybe she wasn't even literal in the dream. Maybe she was a representation of something that you just had to let go of in your life.

I'm not sure--but I do know it is ok to let some people go.

10/11/05 17:43  
Blogger Yankee T said...

I can never analyze a dream; my own or anyone else's, but if I had to guess, I'd say you're busy working this relationship out in your sleep. I'm not sure guilt is it, maybe just the stress of letting an old friend go. But again, I know nothing, really.
Interesting story, though.

10/11/05 19:03  
Anonymous Amy said...

LOL! It was grade 10! (I could have got better marks in typing if I didn't have a stoopid MANUAL typewriter!!)What was my best, like 25 WPM? And on that horrible yellow paper!! LOL!!

So, your dream... Could be that you're just thinking about her because she came up in converstation, and even though your friendship was one sided, you're still interested to know how she's doing. That was your role, the "Parent". All good parents like to know that their "kids" are OK, even if the kid is a brat. Being such a kind hearted person, you maybe are feeling a little guilt, but that doesn't mean that anybody was at fault. We all change as we get older, and our relationships change too. It's hard to let some friends go, but sometimes people just don't "fit" like they used to years ago.

Hang on to the good stuff, and let the rest go. You've got better places (your beautiful family!) to focus your energies, and what you put into that comes back to you tenfold. You can't say that about your friendship with OF. Bustin' your hump to try and make her happy when she obviously doesn't want to be happy just isn't worth it.

11/11/05 21:29  

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